February 7, 2003

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Cruising is easy, but how do I find a real boyfriend?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I have a frustrating problem. I'm an attractive young gay male, but I have trouble meeting other guys. I have a shyness problem, maybe a social phobia thing, and I feel more than a little anxious when approaching guys I don't know. Too often, I come across as arrogant or standoffish, but I'm really a nice guy.

Guys think that because I'm goodlooking, I should have no trouble meeting men. The truth is that I often freak out inside when I approach a cute guy at a bar. I either say something completely stupid or stay awkwardly silent, and I come off looking like a total dumbass.

My friends have suggested that I visit a therapist, but money is tight since I'm in college. It's been about a year since I've had a date, and I've never been in a real relationship. On the other hand, it's not been hard finding tricks, since cruising guys are more interested in looks and dick size than social or conversational skills.

I've sought out support groups, but have found nothing. I really want a boyfriend, or at least a date once in a while, but at the rate I'm going I'll hit thirty before I find someone special.

around has produced boyfriend material for those who have gone before you: one-night stands are not necessarily mutually exclusive to the hunt. And God help us, if you reach the freakishly crusty age of thirty before you find something real, you'll have spent your twenties like many, many people, and will have lots of stories to tell your boyfriend.

Dear Big Tipper,

My housemate and my boifriend are at each other's throats. My housemate is my best friend from college and we lived to-

BIG TIPS

In the meantime, the loneliness really gets to me sometimes, and when I go out with friends, I often just drink by myself while they try to pick up guys. Except for dancing with friends at a club, I don't look forward to going out anymore. Please impart some of your expertise. Thanks a lot.

Anxiously Awaiting Your Reply

Dear Beauty's Inner Beast,

Hon, I think being pretty has very little to do with what's going on, except that it may be so easy for you to score a trick, you think it should be that easy to score a relationship. No matter how confident other people may seem in bars, be assured that just about everyone who is looking for someone is freaking out the entire time they're there, and thinking everything they say is stupid.

Adolescence is merely the onramp to the highway of humiliation. Your twenties are biologically destined for anguished, embarrassing searching. (I'll tell you what your thirties are for when I'm done with them.) The novelty of drinking and going out has begun to wear a bit thin, but alcohol is still a remarkably effective social grease, and so bars remain a place to shop beyond their tenure of actual enjoyability.

If you really are a nice guy, and hot to boot, you'll be in a relationship sooner than later. It may be good, it may the first of many, or your one true love, but if you have friends, you have the capacity for human interaction. Since they have friends, you'll meet some-

one.

gether all last year while my boifriend was in Europe for his junior year. She has been living in California since we graduated, but she didn't have a job she liked so she moved back and in with me. I live in a house near my old school to be close to my boi until he graduates.

He's used to being with me, and now that she's back, they each feel very strongly that they should get the most of my attention, and that they each want to "protect" me. She always makes snippy remarks to him, and he's getting more and more annoyed.

I love them both, but they're making me crazy, and I have enough other things to worry about without having to pull them off of each other all the time or have to listen to one of them bitching about the other.

The other day my boi finally stood up to my friend, and my friend turned to me and rolled her eyes. I told her to knock it off, that I wasn't interested in that, and then she got pissed. I'm having dinner last night, and one of them snapped, and next thing, two doors slam and I'm eating alone.

I feel like a mom dealing with teenagers. What can I do to fix this situation?

Three's a Crowd

Dear Torn Between Two Housemates,

There is not a damned thing you can do to make them like each other more, but you'll get more peace if you pull yourself completely out of the line of fire between the two of them. No matter how annoying this situation is, I'm sure it's also flattering to have two people fighting over you, and it's probably hard not to engage in some of the drama. They're adults, and they need to work it out with each other. I suspect that if you remove your attention and participation, the feud will run out of steam. You were on the right track when you told the eye roller to knock it off. Keep it up. If one of them comes to you with grievances about the other, tell them to take it to the offender. It's not as dramatic or as much fun, but it will ultimately result in more peaceful dinners.

Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail to

If you're taking care of yourself, tarting question@bigtipsonline.com or fax to 216-

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